Changes

Clare might have been reverting to her old ways when she was awake, but in her sleep she sought JC’s body, his arms. To her chagrin, she reached for him when she woke in the morning and when he wasn’t there, she felt empty. And the fact he had gone back to coming only once or twice a week left her feeling deserted. Something within her had made her feel like she needed to pull back, that anything beyond what they already had was impossible.

“Penny for your thoughts.” JC had awakened Sunday afternoon following a morning of hot sex to find Clare nowhere in the house. He found her on the beach looking like a lost little girl; her arms around her knees with her chin resting on them and a forlorn look on her face.

She looked up briefly, then her eyes went back to the ocean. “I’m sure they aren’t worth that much.”

“The Great Doctor CG with all those letters behind her name?” he joked.

“Is just a woman away from the computer.”

Her bleak tone wasn’t lost on him. Sitting next to her, he laid a hand over hers. “Wanna talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Clare, we used to be friends—“

“We aren’t even that, are we? We’re fuck buddies.”

“That’s not the way I wanted it.”

“You pulled back.”

“You pulled back first. I thought that was the way you wanted it.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know what I want anymore,” she confessed.

“That’s honest, at least.”

Clare tipped her face to the side to look at him. “What do you want? From me, I mean.”

Your love, he wanted to say. “Your friendship. Your easygoing, fun manner. Being with you in Miami and when you got back…I really enjoyed just being with you. I care about you, Clare – and it’s more than about just great sex.” He reached over to stroke her hair. “You’ve got a lot to give, honey. You’re smart. You’re witty. You have this wonderful child’s sense of fun…You’re the whole package, but you never really offer it up.”

“I don’t know how,” she whispered. Knowing her past, he realized she was probably telling the truth. “When I was a kid, I always wanted to think that the next family would be the one that wanted to keep me. No one ever did and I got used to it. In college I learned guys either wanted me to tutor them or have sex with them. And that is all I have come to expect.”

“Poor Clare.” JC’s arm went around her as he brought her close. No one had loved her.

“I am not poor Clare,” she growled, jerking away.

“Baby, I mean that in sympathy, not pity.”

“What’s the difference?” she demanded coldly.

“Pity… well, it sort of demeans a person’s dignity. Sympathy is feeling empathy for your pain.”

“I’m a survivor.”

“That you are.” Despite the fact she held herself stiffly, he hauled her back against him. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her until she relaxed. “I’m not the enemy, Clare.”

“Isn’t everyone?”

“Aww, baby, you don’t really believe that, do you?”

Clare sighed heavily. “No…I am not easy to deal with. Most people don’t try.”

“I do pretty well most of the time.”

“Yes, you do.” She looked into his eyes. “Why do you bother?”

“Well, you see, there was this knockout blonde who took her payment in kisses and left me standing there wanting to pay her a lot more,” he said lightly. “Then I saw her again at the club. She was grinding with me when no other guy was allowed to. She was giving me all the green lights when she disappeared.” He tipped her chin up and smiled. “Then by wonderful coincidence, I met up with her again. I made a promise to myself I wasn’t gonna let her out of my sight without knowing how to find her again.”

“You never asked me out.”

“You beat me to the punch.”

“I thought maybe you were too shy.”

“I would have gotten around to it.”

“But why do you bother?”

“Because I saw someone worth knowing in that bold blonde. I still do.”

With a little groan, she dropped back on the sand, her eyes closed to the afternoon sun.

“Are you planning to spend the rest of your life alone, Clare?” JC stretched out beside her, propped up on one elbow, his shadow falling over her face. “Don’t, baby. You have so much in you to give…”

She opened her eyes to see pain, bright blue eyes. Why was he hurting? Surely not for her!

“I’ll show you, Clare,” JC promised. “I’ll show you how not to be alone.”

“How?”

“By example.” He reached down to pet her velvety cheek, her eyes drifting shut at his gentle touch. “We’ll be together. We’ll do things together—“

“People will think I’m your girlfriend.”

“Is that so terrible?”

She shook her head. “I guess not.”

“And for the record, honey, you’ve been my girlfriend.”

“That was for sex.”

“That is for everything.”

With a timid smile, she raised her hand to caress his stubbled cheek. “Okay.”

JC lowered his head, his mouth coming down over hers in a gentle, lingering salute. Her hands were in his hair and her body arched into his. One of his knees wedged between hers as the kiss grew and took life. Their tongues mated and teased. He sucked on hers; she bit at his. One of her slender legs hooked over his. Her arms tightened, pulling him more completely on top of her. Slowly, he forced himself away from her lips. “Honey, we gotta stop.”

“Why?”

With a bemused smile, he stood up and helped her to her feet. “Because it’s broad daylight on an open beach.”

“Oh…”

“When we get into each other, we tend to forget everything else.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

Hooking his arm companionably around her neck, he drew her to his side as they headed back to the house. “Yeah, one of the best.”

“You need a pet,” JC announced to Clare one morning after breakfast. She had been about to head to her office when his voice stopped her.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Nothing teaches you more about unconditional love than a pet.”

Love? Unconditional love? Where had that come from? “I’ve never had a pet.”

“Then it’s about time.”

“But when I travel—“

“I can take it.”

“What if we’re both gone?”

“We can make arrangements.”

“What if I go on a government job?”

“Mary can alert me.” The one thing she had not said was that she didn’t want a pet. She hadn’t stated she didn’t have the time or patience. “You work from here most of the time. That’s perfect.”

Clare bit her bottom lip uncertainly. “I’ve always wanted a dog.” She barely spoke above a whisper, her voice full of hope and childhood longing.

JC came over to where she stood and took her hand. “Then it’s about time we got you a dog, honey.”

They decided an animal shelter was the best place to start the search for Clare’s first pet. Puppies were adorable, roly-poly balls of fur. But Clare headed for the adult dogs. She didn’t think a puppy was a good place to start. She was surprised at how many purebreds were available.

“Well, Clare?” JC urged.

“They all have such big brown hopeful eyes…”

All the furry faces barked and looked at them expectantly. She wanted to take them all home. But in the last cage, a lovely, dark Golden Retriever sat with great dignity, waiting for her turn to impress Clare. When she stopped in front of the kennel, the dog offered Clare his paw.

“That one knows how to play the game,” JC remarked.

“Not well enough,” a female kennel attendant told them. “Her time’s nearly up.”

“I can’t imagine why she was left here,” Clare said.

“Her owner died in an accident. No one wanted Tonto. She isn’t a cute puppy and she’s a large dog. They don’t go well here.”

“Can we see her up close?” JC asked.

“Certainly. We have a side yard for formal introductions.” The woman smiled and found a leash.

Tonto was perfectly well behaved on the leash. When she was released, she went directly to Clare. The dog seemed to know that she was uncertain around animals. She approached Clare calmly and once again offered her paw. Clare knelt in the grass and shook paws with the dignified canine. “Hello to you, Miss Tonto. You are certainly a lovely lady.” The feathered tail wagged madly and a doggie grin was given.

“Do you have a yard?” The attendant asked.

“The front yard is fenced, but I have the entire beach in the back.”

"Wonderful.”

“How old is Tonto?” JC asked.

“Two. A young dog really.”

The three discussed Tonto, Clare’s lifestyle, and what would be required of Clare as an owner.

“Well, honey, what do you think?” JC asked as he helped Clare stand.

“She seems well-behaved. She isn’t a puppy I have to housetrain…”

He chuckled. “Does that mean yes?”

“If you help dog train me the first few days.” She gave him a helpless look that would have melted the hardest heart – and he was already a softy when it came to Clare.

“I’ll do what I can.”

“Can you recommend a vet and a groomer?” Clare inquired of the attendant.

“Certainly.”

After Tonto’s trip to the vet for a clean bill of health, she was taken to a groomer for a bath. While she was being primped and pampered, JC took Clare to a pet superstore for supplies. The selection of food, toys, and accessories was mind-boggling.

“I’m so glad they gave me a list!” Clare announced. “How do people with little money afford all this?”

“The get by on the minimum and give up something else.”

“I can’t imagine…”

“A dog or a cat is part of the family.” But Clare’s never had a family or the security of love. “Believe it or not, it can be a powerful bond.”

“Like love.”

“I know you don’t understand the concept…”

“Only what I’ve read.”

“Love makes life easier.”

“Let’s say I am skeptical. All that ‘love to die for’ crap.”

“It isn’t crap, sweetheart,” he murmured very softly.

The way he said it, so intimately, so firmly, made her head snap up so their gazes collided. “Do you?…Are you saying?…”

“I love you, Clare,” JC stated plainly. “And if I had to give my life for yours, I would do it in a heartbeat.”

Clare’s eyes went wide with awe and surprise. “When?”

“Not right away…The sex blinded me pretty good. But then it became more than sex. I wanted to connect to you on another level, a deeper, more meaningful level.”

“But you never said…”

“You made it clear from the beginning it was just sex. How could I tell you I wanted to change the rules?”

“When—when did you change your mind?”

“After Miami. I thought things had changed for us there. And then I couldn’t reach you…I thought maybe I had tipped my hand and you had dumped me. Then you called and wanted to assure me that we were still on…I knew I couldn’t stay just your sex partner.”

Her eyes were serious as she touched his cheek. “I-I don’t know how to love, JC.”

“Baby, I’m sure you do. You just never labeled it as such. Tonto and I are going to show you.”

“Please?”

JC was relieved he met no resistance to his plan.

“There’s my beautiful girl!” Clare cooed when the groomer brought Tonto out, freshly shampooed and dried, a pink bow in her hair. The dog waved her feathered tail in greeting, prancing happily. “You didn’t think I had left you, did you?” JC stood back as Clare bent to stroke the dog and receive a big, wet doggie kiss. At first, she seemed startled, then giggled with pleasure. Tonto licked her again. “Okay, I get the message; you missed me!” She looked up at JC. “Already?”

“Hey, she had your number at the shelter,” he assured her with a smile. He bent to put the fancy rolled leather collar on the dog and snapped on the leash. He handed the lead to Clare. “Here you go, honey.”

Looking dubious, Clare took the leather loop of the leash. “You’d better not drag me into traffic,” she warned the dog.

To the amazement of all, Tonto moved to Clare’s side and sat down.

“Looks like she’s been taught some manners,” JC noted. And when Tonto fell into step with her new master as they walked to the car, he said, “You have a lady dog, honey.”

Clare beamed. “It appears I do.”

Once JC and Clare set Tonto up in the house, it was time for him to leave for the studio. He could see Clare was a little worried about being left alone with the animal. “You’ll be fine, honey. Tonto knows what to do.”

“I don’t.”

“She’ll teach you.” Reaching for her hand, he tugged her close for a cuddle. “I’ll come over when I am done at the studio.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“What if I made a dreadful mistake?”

He chuckled at her concern. “You didn’t.” Tipping her chin up, he kissed her softly. “Want me to call if we take a break?”

“Please.”

“Baby, don’t be so worried. Relax and enjoy the companionship.” He kissed her again and stepped away. “I’ll see you two later.”

Once JC left, Clare went into her office to work. The dog followed her, stretching out on the carpet next to her desk, seemingly content merely to be in her master’s presence. All throughout the afternoon and early evening, Clare worked steadily. She found herself talking to Tonto rather than the computer screen. The dog listened patiently with her tail wagging and her doggie grin as if Clare was the most fascinating conversationalist in the world. When she stopped for the night, Clare made a light dinner while Tonto ate her kibble. After dinner, armed with doggie do-do bags, they took a walk on the beach.

Taking a break, JC placed the promised call to Clare. “So what’s up, honey?”

“Well…we worked, ate dinner, took a walk and now, we’re chillin’,” Clare told him.

“So, you’re cool with it?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Still want me to come by?”

“Uh-huh.”

He caught her teasing tone and smiled. “Good. I wanna be there.”

“I want you here,” she said softly.

“Honey…” He almost said he loved her. It was probably too soon to say it again. She knew how he felt and wasn’t entirely comfortable with the notion of love yet. He had to go slowly.

Clare heard the words he didn’t say. “I’ll see you later, baby.”

“Yeah. Later.”

Tonto met JC at the door, making certain no foe was entering to harm her new mistress. JC squatted down to stroke the dog’s sleek head, noting the silly bow was gone. “Had a good day with her, huh, gorgeous?” he murmured to the dog. “Yeah, you take good care of Clare, won’t you? She’s good people. She just needs a little training.” He straightened. “Guess I should get up to bed.”

Tonto looked at him as if to say ‘follow me’ and walked towards the sofa. He followed and what he found melted his heart. Clare had fallen asleep on the sofa, looking for all the world as she had tried to wait up. Her glasses were still perched on her nose and a computer magazine lay open on her chest. She still wore the outfit she’d had on earlier. She had lost the sandals and her newly pink polished toenails had been left to air. She looked mussed and adorable as a child. “My beautiful honey girl,” he whispered as he bent to pick her up.

Drowsy brown eyes fluttered open at the movement. “JC…”

“Yeah, baby. You don’t have to wake up. I’ll get you to bed.”

Her arms went around his neck. “I tried to wait up,” she told him as she pressed kisses on his neck as he climbed the stairs.

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I wanted to tell you about today.” She smothered a yawn as he placed her on the bed. “How did your session go?”

“Laid down another track.”

Clare got to her feet to pull back the covers. Removing her glasses, she undressed as he did. “Is that good?”

“Yep.”

“Good.”

“So you and Tonto had a good evening?”

“She is a very attentive listener, even if she doesn’t know what a motherboard is.”

He chuckled. “Pets are great stress relievers.”

“I believe that.” Clare went to the head of the stairs to see Tonto waiting for an invitation to join them. “C’mon up, Tonto,” she called. Immediately the Golden climbed the steps. “Do you object if she sleeps on the bed?” she asked JC.

“As long as she doesn’t sleep between us and she gets down when we make love.” He had stripped to his shorts and waited to see what Clare in mind before he went further.

Clare turned pink at the idea of the dog watching them have sex. “That’ll be awkward.”

He laughed. “We’ll tell her to close her eyes.”

She removed her bra and panties, reaching for her simply cotton gown she normally wore to bed. Taking his cue from her, JC went and retrieved his pajamas.

“JC…”

“Yeah, honey?”

The both climbed into bed and Clare urged Tonto to join them. The dog settled at the foot of the bed as if she knew her place. Clare nuzzled JC’s shoulder before resting her head against it. “I-I’ve been thinking…”

“Babe, I’m pretty sure you do that on a regular basis.” For that, he earned a playful swat on the chest. “Hey!”

“I am trying to be serious.”

“I can do serious,” he assured her, setting his face in a solemn expression.

“Jeeze, not that serious!”

“Spill, Clare.”

Toying nervously with the buttons on his nightshirt, she drew in a shaky breath. “I was thinking it might be okay for you to move in.”

Nothing could have shocked JC more. Moving in meant some sort of permanency. “Are you sure?”

“I-I think I’d like it.”

“You’d better know you’d like it.”

She licked her lips anxiously. “I want you to move in,” she said bravely.

“I’d like that too.”

“I know you have your own house and stuff and you’re used to more space, your own space and my house is smaller—“

JC stopped her rambling with a soft kiss. “You can’t talk me out of it.”

“I wasn’t trying to.”

“Good. I want us to live together.”

Her smile was shy and bright. “I’m glad.”

Shifting so he could hold her more closely, he murmured, “So am I, honey. Night.”

With a soft, sweet sigh, Clare whispered, “Good night, darling.”

Darling? Since when was he ‘darling’ to Clare? When had that happened?