Chapter Thirteen: Regrets
Lisa woke up with JC’s arm clamped around her waist, almost as if he feared her escape. The previous night came flooding back to her. She jammed her fist against her mouth to smother her whimper. What had she done? Rhetorical question. She was naked in bed with an equally naked JC. It was pretty obvious what she had done. She had been horny and vulnerable. The romance and the champagne had removed the last vestiges of her common sense. She’d fallen right into bed with him. Then what possible excuse could she have for waking him in the middle of the night and instigating a third romp? Surely the champagne had worn off by then – and he wasn’t romancing her in his sleep. And horny should have been satisfied with round one and two, right? Once again she had proven she had no self-control when it came to JC Chasez.
She tried to slip from his grasp unnoticed. His arm tightened and he mumbled something unintelligible. She waited a few minutes and this time he let her go with the sigh of her name. In her rush to get away, she tripped over a discarded piece of clothing, landing on the plush carpet on her knees. She scrambled to her feet only to smack into the wall. Taking a calming breath, she carefully felt her way to the bathroom.
Once there she pulled the door closed. Going to the shower, she turned on the spray and stepped in. Her purpose was two fold: the sound covered her sobs and she could cleanse herself of the scent of sex. Oh, God! How could she have done such a thing? And with Greg not dead three months yet! She had been swept away by the romance of the night and JC. She washed her hair and scrubbed herself down, not being particularly gentle. This was a disaster of major proportions. Finally, she sank to her knees unable to stop the tears of grief and regret. Sitting back, she pulled her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs. She rocked herself, trying to soothe her aching heart.
JC woke reaching for Lisa, a slow smile coming to his face.
The night had gone even better than he had planned. He and Lisa had made sweet love, renewing them as lovers. Later he’d awaken to the feel of her mouth on him. As wonderful as it was, he’d urged her back up, not wanting to release into her mouth but her warm body. She’d moved astride his thighs with his assistance and rode him. It had been hot, wild and wonderful. Then once again they had fallen asleep in each others’ arms.
This morning he’d wanted to make slow, tender love to her – all his hand met was cool sheet. His eyes flew open in a panic. “Lisa?” he called softly. His fear evaporated as he heard the shower. As the mother of school-aged children and two active toddlers, Lisa was an early morning person. Okay, so she wasn’t in bed…His smile returned. If he could garner an invitation to join her, the shower worked too.
Rising, he tossed on his robe and headed for the bathroom. He rapped jauntily at the door before swinging it open. “Mornin’, honey!” He opened the shower curtain, surprised to see no Lisa standing under the spray. Turning off the taps, he opened the curtain all the way. What he saw made his heart plunge to his feet. Curled up in a sitting fetal position, Lisa was the very picture of abject misery. “Aww…baby…”
Grabbing a bath sheet and flipping the toilet lid down, he proceeded to envelop her trembling shoulders with the towel. He lifted her out of the tub, setting her on the commode. Grabbing another towel, he wrapped it around her dripping hair.
Lisa didn’t struggle or argue with his tender ministrations. She merely accepted them numbly. If it weren’t for her children she could have readily died. It was what she deserved for betraying Greg again – and once again she would have to face the consequences of her folly.
JC knelt before her, searching her face for clues as to what went wrong. All her could see was pain and regret. “So soon?” he asked quietly, his throat clogging with his own tears.
“I never should have agreed to this marriage,” she murmured.
So it was more than the sex she regretted. “You couldn’t have given it a whole day before you decided it was wrong?”
She shook her head. “As a husband you have certain expectations. I realize that – and it isn’t right to make you do without…I guess I was naive enough to believe this wouldn’t happen for a while.”
Was she telling him it was his fault? Well, it was…He had pushed the issue when she had asked him not to…He had done it in the most romantic was possible, but it had been coercion. Still it took two…
“I’m not blaming you, JC. I can hardly blame my sloppy impulse control on you. It’s my character flaw. I should have remembered that you are the one male I have always had trouble resisting.”
“I played my part,” he reminded her kindly, unwilling to let her shoulder the entire blame.
“I could have said ‘no’.” She knew without a doubt he would have stopped if she had told him to stop.
“Lisa—“
“Can we get a quickie divorce?”
“What!” Her question stunned and wounded him. “Hell no!”
“It’s wrong for you, JC. Can’t you see that?”
“No, I can’t. I love you, Lisa.”
His confession made her feel even worse. “But I don’t love you…”
JC was glad she couldn’t see the tears making wet paths down his face. Nothing could have hurt him more. It was like a gunshot to the gut: a first punch then a slow, burning pain until he died.
“At least not that way,” she amended. “Not in the way you need to be loved, the way you deserve to be loved.”
“Baby, we can work this out.”
“How can you love someone like me?” she inquired, sounding honestly confused. “My husband hasn’t been dead three months yet and I tarnish his memory for a fuck.” Her words were a slap in his face. She never used the word ‘fuck’. She said it was demeaning and made love sound filthy. “Don’t get in the way of Lisa Castle’s hormones when they are raging.”
JC got to his feet, too agitated to remain still. “Lisa Chasez.” He corrected her angrily. “You’re my wife now. You are Lisa Chasez. Mrs. Joshua Chasez and you’re gonna stay that way!”
She jumped to her feet. “I won’t sleep with you,” she warned.
“Fine!” He was nose to nose with her now.
“No, I mean I will not sleep with you – as in I will not share the same bed.”
Another verbal slap and he jerked back as if he had indeed been struck. Her pain was making his sweet Lisa a raving bitch. “You got that wrong, Missus Chasez. Our kids are used to us sleeping together. I have no intentions of upsetting them just because you want to believe making love with your husband is a crime,” he told her firmly, holding back the hurtful things he wanted to say to soothe his ego.
Lisa stumbled back to sit heavily on the toilet seat and started to cry again. She was a miserable mother and wife, she decided. All she was thinking about was herself. Five other people needed to be considered. “You’re right,” she whispered.
JC didn’t want to be right – he wanted to be loved. “You finish up in here. Then I’ll shower and we’ll get some breakfast. It should be late enough to pick up the kids by then. We’ll leave tomorrow as planned.”
She nodded as he left the room.
JC could only hope that his parents would assume a long night of lovemaking was what made the newlyweds worn and quiet.
It wasn’t easy tearing the children away from their grandparents. How come they couldn’t stay another night?
“Because we have an early flight home tomorrow,” JC told the small protestors.
“But, Dad C—“ Scott was about to continue pleading their case when he caught a sharp look from JC that forbade anymore argument. “Oh, all right,” he said sullenly.
Little Bess took Roy Chasez’s face between her tiny hands and gave him a kiss that was more noise than lips. “Bye bye, Gampa. See soon,” she said.
JC smiled as the little girl was transferred to him. “Dad, whatever it is you got, she’s never talked this much.”
“It’s that Chasez charm,” his father quipped.
Krista had been the least vocal about wanting to stay. She went to her mother and hugged her warmly. “I missed you, Mom.”
“I missed you too, sweetie.” Lisa kissed the top of the girl’s head.
“You look kinda tired.”
“Maybe a little.”
JC noticed the elder Chasezes exchanging sly, knowing smiles.
“Digger was good,” Krista reported.
“Yeah, I good!” Digger said proudly.
“They were all angels,” Karen assured the parents.
“Angels?” JC chuckled. “Are you sure you’re talking about our kids?”
“Ah, Dad C.” Scott nudged him affectionately.
Lisa said her thank you’s to Karen and Roy as the family migrated towards the front door.
“Our pleasure, Lisa. They are very well behaved children, even Digger,” Karen told the mother.
“Thank you. We do try.”
“Well, you succeed beautifully.”
“So…What’s next for you two?” Roy asked JC.
“Starting the adoption proceedings is first on the list. Then house hunting. My place is too small and I’d like each kid to have a room of their own. Right now the twins share the old nursery.”
“Well, I hadn’t bargained on twins,” Lisa stated, scruffing Digger’s hair when he took her hand. “Neither I nor Greg had twins in our families.”
“Are you going to get some extra room for more grandbabies?” Karen hinted hopefully.
Lisa shot a panicked glance in JC’s direction.
JC merely laughed. “We haven’t been married a whole day yet – and we have four already. Give us some time.”
Lisa and JC tried to behave as normal as possible, but the fine thread of tension between them was not lost on the children. Once in a while, JC would notice one of the children studying them quizzically as if trying to decide what exactly was wrong. Lisa felt curious eyes and could sense their worry.
Over lunch at McDonald’s Scott finally spoke up. “What’s wrong with you two?”
Lisa looked up from her meal. “Excuse me?”
The boy shrugged. “I dunno. You just are…” He shrugged again. “Different somehow.”
JC stepped in, trying to put the best spin possible on the situation. “Son, we just got married yesterday. Mom’s done it before but I haven’t. I am just kinda feeling my way through it. So if I seem different, I’m just trying to figure out this husband thing.”
Scott considered JC’s answer for a moment. “You both seem tired.”
“Well, without you guys around we stayed up too late,” JC confessed.
The boy grinned, mimicking something his mother might say. “Leave you to yourselves one night and look what happens.”
“Hey!” Lisa protested laughingly.
Krista joined in. “There will be a nap for you today, young lady.” She held up her hand as if to halt any argument. “And I don’t even wanna hear it.”
JC couldn’t help laughing. “Baby, they have you down cold.”
Lisa harrumphed. “Don’t encourage them.” But she couldn’t hide her smile.
He reached over to squeeze her affectionately. “It’s okay if you act like a mom. We love you anyway, don’t we guys?”
With a round of affirmatives, some of the tension eased.
JC lay awake that night, staring at the patterns the moonlight made on the ceiling. He’d already screwed up his marriage and it had taken less than twenty-four hours. Dammit, he’d known Lisa wasn’t really emotionally ready for a sexual relationship with him. She’d needed physical release or he couldn’t have succeeded the night before. He’d taken advantage of that vulnerability for his own ego and satisfaction. Oh, he’d rationalized it by thinking it would bring them closer. It had driven a wedge between them instead. Now he would have to regain some of the trust the previous night had eroded. How did he do that when Lisa was once again clinging to her side of the bed?
Making a decision, he scooted over to her and did what he had done months ago when she was feeling unsure. He spooned against her back. Anticipating a negative response, he blocked the angry elbow before it could damage his ribs.
“Get off of me,” she hissed.
“I’m not on you. I’m against you,” he corrected good-naturedly.
“Whatever.”
“We need to talk.”
“And it couldn’t be accomplished from your side of the bed?”
“It could.”
“Then get over there.”
“No.”
“JC…”
“Affectionate friends, remember?”
“That was blown to hell last night,” she reminded him tartly.
“I know – and I’m sorry I pushed, but I think we both had a lot of sexual tension that needed released.”
“That’s why God gave you a hand.”
JC couldn’t help himself – He rolled to his back, bursting out laughing. The very idea of Lisa telling him to jack-off was hysterical.
His laughter made Lisa unbend a little. “I know you know how to do it. If I’m not mistaken, you wrote a song about it,” she stated cheekily.
“Brat.” He swatted her behind playfully.
“Hey!” she giggled.
The strain between them evaporated – they could still be friends.
JC hauled her into his arms, nuzzling her affectionately. “I’ll try to do better,” he promised quietly.
“I need time, JC.”
“I know. I messed up.”
“We both did.” Lisa sighed. “But it was probably the most romantic night of my life – at least since the twins,” she confessed.
“Just say the word and I’ll romance the socks off you.”
“I’m not wearing any socks.” She grinned up at him.
“Lisa, I do have something I need to talk about. Well, actually several some things.” JC hated to get serious but things needed to be settled.
“All right.”
“Challenge is coming up. Do you want to go as my wife or as my friend? And before you answer, let me say I honestly will be cool either way. I mean I’ll be Dad C to the kids either way.”
“Don’t you think it will better for you if we go as friends?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know where the group is going. I have no intention of keeping you a secret forever. I just wanted to give you time to get used to being my wife.”
“Then let’s go as friends this year.”
“I’ll fuckin’ hate taking off my ring.” He’d planned on wearing his wedding ring like his lion medallion – it never came off.
“We’ll survive one week.”
“I’ll have to attend the parties…”
“I’m not much of a partier with four kids.”
He wasn’t going to be either.
“JC, you know we can stay at home—“
“No.”
“Okay, something number one is settled. How about number two?”
“Where we live.”
“Meaning?…”
“I really like where I live, but it’s too small for us. We’ve got two options. We can look for an existing home, but that may be a tough one with what we need in bedrooms and bathrooms. Or we can build new.”
“You really like where you’re at?”
“Well, yeah. It’s gated so not just everyone gets in. It has a lake and I have a studio…”
“Do you have property?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Room to expand?”
“You’re saying we can add on to my house and stay?”
“If that’s what you want.”
JC was surprised and pleased. It was generous of Lisa to offer to keep his house. He pressed his lips to her forehead. “You’re a sweetheart.”
“Yeah, I know,” she replied impishly. “Is there a three?”
“Us.”
“That one is full of landmines.”
“I am willing to hold off sex until you’re ready. I may slip up, but all you have to do is say ‘no’ and I’ll back off. But, Lisa, don’t ask me not to kiss you. I need that like I need air.”
“I highly doubt that,” she mused.
“Lisa—“
She leaned up to seek his mouth and he made sure she found it. “I can deal with that,” she whispered before laying her head on his shoulder.
JC’s arm closed around her – disaster averted.